Chess Limericks

There once was a player from Maine,

Who played chess on a fast train.

He took a move back

And was thrown off the track,

And he never played chess again.

There once was a chessplayer named Flo,

Who liked to mate, you know;

When you castled long,

She helped along,

and would say, "O - O - O."

There once was a player named Maloney,

Who always played the Benoni.

But his counterattack,

failed to a sac;

And his Benoni was just baloney.

There once was a girl in the nude,

Who played chess with some dude;

She announced to her date,

She was ready to mate,

But her meaning was quite misconstrued.

There's something chess computers lack;

It's not that they know how to attack;

They can fork and pin;

They may lose, more often win.

But they just will never talk back.

Postal chess is still played today

And no reason why I shouldn't play.

It is nice and slow,

And I can use my ECO,

It's the postage I can't afford to pay.

This has happened to you, I bet.

You bring your chess set and didn't forget.

Then you notice with shock

You have a broken chess clock,

And a piece is missing from the set.

The USCF rating system is inflated,

But the lower rated players are elated.

They can lose every game,

But their rating stays the same,

Or even become higher elevated.

A chessboard of a new design

that prevents an early resign.

With a different king

On either wing

The board must be 9 by 9.

In chess, my wife has one ambition

To win under any condition.

But to this date

She has yet to mate

She just can't find the right position.

A chessplayer known to be great,

Was anything but sedate;

When moving to win,

He broadly would grin,

And bellow: "That's check - and mate!"

There once was a Grandmaster named Browne,

Who always wore a perpetual frown;

As he played blitz against Dzindzi,

The crowd got all cringy,

He said just one word, that was, "DOWN!"

There was a young fellow named Fyfe

Whose marriage was ruined for life,

For he played chess all day

and was always away,

and avoided mating his wife.

There was a young lady named Mable

Who played chess on a very big table,

When she played a man,

she always began,

"Try to mate me if you are able."