Chess Horoscope

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. You play chess with dead people. People can't wait until you are dead. You like to take back moves and don't like touch move rules unless it's your opponent who tries to take back a move. You should sell insurance. Buy WorldCom stock. Avoid passed pawns. (Korchnoi, Smyslov, Portisch, Kasparov, Najdorf)

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent in your chess games. You show no original thought. You have a dogged determination and work like hell to win, but you lose a lot of games. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. Sometimes you play chess with God. You are not very good at the endgame. You get into time pressure a lot. You think astrology is a bunch of Taurus. Move your pawns with caution. Avoid back rank mate. Let others risk their own pieces. (Spielmann, Steinitz, Euwe)

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker and like to play speed chess. People say you are too boring. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. You have this hidden desire to beat up your father for pushing you into chess. Most of your games are won by swindles. You don’t listen very well. Pick up the pieces from the floor when you lose and the game is over. Go home and start collecting stamps. (Karpov, Reti, Short, Kamsky, Petrosian, Svidler)

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to your opponents and you give up draws to easily. Your opponents think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. You like to take poisoned pawns. You think playing 1.f4 is for the birds. You like gambits. You like to be pushed to the limit. You use the bathroom too much. Push back and push your pawns forward. Tune out advice from others; it will only get you mated sooner. (Bird, Benko, Gelfand, Kramnik, Anderssen)

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your ability to laugh at your opponents for making bad moves will be a blessing because you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies and swindlers. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. You expect people to throw gold coins at you every time you win a game. You don't like to analyze your games with your opponents. Leave the blitz games to others. Laugh, love, and learn. Let others blow smoke in your face while you turn the other cheek. Castle long. (Judit Polgar, Marshall, Botvinnik, Caruana)

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are always adjusting your pieces. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. You are good at blindfold chess, but have a poor memory at everything else. Resentment and jealousy will only turn obligation into torture. New chess strategies will soon become apparent after you lose all your games. Take up music and remember, pawns are the soul of chess, but queens are more fun. (Philidor, Zukertort, Koltanowski)

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. It's hard for you to accept losses or that you won't make it as a chessplayer. Your desire to play good chess is overshadowed by your desire to be nasty and have a decent meal. Someone is watching you, so stop staring back at your chess opponents. You suffer from penis envy. You are obsessed by flies on your head. Trust that your seconds will be there for you and analyze your position while you are sleeping. Explore your romantic side. See a shrink. Fianchetto your bishops. (Fine, Rubinstein, Aronian, Ehlvest)

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd and cannot be trusted. You will achieve some success at the chess board. You may develop a drinking problem later in life. You lose games to idiots because you get too over-confident. You like to accept gambits, but you always lose being a pawn down. Avoid the endgame. You have many secrets to share with only a few people. Like being a Nazi. Answer questions with other questions until your curiosity is satisfied or when you pass out drunk. Remember, a knight on the rim is dim, but a rook on a7 is heaven. (Alekhine, Nimzovich, Tal, Tchigorin, Capablanca, Grischuk)

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic when you play chess. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck. You are a fast player and a fast lover. You think you are the Mozart of chess. You enjoy making Lego chess sets and reading Donald Duck comics. Get away for the weekend and avoid houses of prostitution. Go shopping at K-Mart for Martha Stewart checkered table cloths and play chess during a romantic dinner. (Carlsen, Anand, Nakamura, Reshevsky, Pillsbury, Blackburne, Timman)

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks, unless you are playing poker. You hate gambits. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. This is why you lose games on time. Opponents will win brilliancy prizes from you. You always end up in 2nd place and never take 1st place. You are a loner, but seem to like it that way. Some areas of your chess life are better left unexplained. Like all the games you threw to those Russians. Friends respect you for saying j'adoube when you adjust your pieces. Indulge yourself. Play in blitz events and have a good cigar. (Keres, Browne, Em Lasker, Teichmann, Karjakin)

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to play original openings. That's because you hate to study openings. You lie a great deal and always creating problems. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same chess mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. You like to kick people under the table. You are a poor loser and easily lose your temper. Go write a chess book. Or a hundred books. No one will read them anyway. Speak up for the timid chessplayer. Say "check" real loud when you get your opponent in check. Avoid isolated pawns. (Spassky, Mecking, Reinfeld, Chernev, Loyd, Gligoric, Taimanov)

PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
Look for the good things in life. Carry the American Express card and a weapon. The chess world is yours today, as nobody else wants it. You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA, FBI or State Department. Only the NSA is tracking you. You have minor influence over your opponents and people resent your flaunting of your chess games. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. You hate to lose, so give up the game and invent another one. Make random chess moves if you can. Give radio interviews when you can. Help a Jew and remember that moment the next time you feel lonely and useless (which is a lot lately). Take control and find strength with the revelation of your skills, talents, and potential. Go on a diet, but don't eat your chess pieces. You have a tendency of always getting in a bind. Accept all gambits. (Bronstein, Tartakower, Mieses, Schlechter, Geller, Maroczy, Tarrasch, Fischer, Topalov)