AAGAARD: Grandmaster who changed his name to be first on the FIDE rating list.
ADJOURNMENT: pause in the game so that both players can get help from chess computers and high-rated players.
ADJUDICATOR: someone rated 200 points than you that can render his judgment not in your favor after looking at the position for less than one minute.
ALEKHINE: type of battery for digital chess clock.
ALGEBRAIC NOTATION: A way of recording games for those who can't describe them. Unlike the metric system, it was adopted by the United States eventually.
AMATEUR: Someone who hustles in chess for money.
ANALYSIS: Proof by computer or master that you could have won the game you lost.
ATTACK: a short, sharp-pointed nail.
BACKWARD PAWN: A pawn that lives deep in the woods.
BAD BISHOP: another Catholic caught in a sex scandal, or the only bishop you have left on the board.
BAROQUE CHESS SET: Unrepaired chess set.
BATTERY: See Alekhine.
BIRD'S OPENING: a small hole in the side of a coop. Named after Henry Bird, who was nearsighted and always grabbed the wrong pawn on the first move.
BISHOP PAIR: strange bed fellows.
BISHOPS OF OPPOSITE COLORS: a very strange couple.
BLITZ: A game of chess where the players move faster than they think.
BLUNDER: A sacrifice made to get a tactical disadvantage, leading to a lost game. If the game is won, however, then it is called a brilliancy.
BOARD: What chess widows are at chess tournaments with their husbands.
BRILLIANCY: A combinative sequence that didn’t lose and is easy to see once the solution is known.
BUGHOUSE CHESS: Team chess game where you can always blame your losses on your partner’s play.
BUST: bad opening when playing a well-endowed female.
BYE: A full point given to an odd player who has nothing to do.
CENTER: For normal players, it is the d4, d5, e4, e5 squares. For hypermodern players, it is the a1, a8, h1, h8 squares.
CENTER COUNTER: small table in the middle of a room.
CHEAPO: A trap that loses a piece and is so obvious that only an idiot would fall for it, and he does.
CHECK: what chess players hate to hear at a tournament or restaurant.
CHECKMATE: A position a novice gets himself in because he doesn’t know the words “I resign.”
CHESS: A game played on squares by squares.
CHESS LIFE: A magazine that comes out late once a month about tournaments that occurred 6 months ago.
CLASSIC CHESS BOOK: A chess book that people praise and don’t read. Usually written in descriptive notation.
COLLE: opening for dog lovers
COMBINATION: Series of moves that is too long for the average player to understand until pointed out to him.
COMPENSATION: A lie that chess books and masters tell you when you are a pawn down.
CORRESPONDENCE CHESS: the check really is in the mail. On the Internet, it is a method of play to see who has the strongest chess computer.
CROQUET: Chess with sweat.
DANISH GAMBIT: opening for pastry lovers.
DEEP BLUE: Joel Benjamin’s favorite color.
DISCOVERED ATTACK: Something you find when walking around barefoot near a bulletin board.
DISCOVERED CHECK: one that fell behind a desk long time ago.
DOUBLE CHECK: Something you do when you shopped at Target recently.
DRAW: Something that Marcel Duchamp was good at.
DUFFER: Any chess player who can beat you 3 times in a row, and won’t play you again.
ENDGAME: Punishment for missing a win before move 20. It is your last opportunity to miss a draw or win.
ETHICS IN CHESS: Undefined.
FIANCHETTO: Pinnochio's last name.
FISH: A weak player that falls for all your traps and still wins.
FOOL'S MATE: A chessplayer's spouse.
FORESIGHT: The ability to play in those chess tournaments that you are sure you are the highest rated player and are sure of winning.
FRENCH DEFENSE: a Maginot line.
FRIED LIVER ATTACK: a form of indigestion.
GAMBIT: An unsound sacrifice in the opening.
GOOD BISHOP: Your opponent’s bishop, and you can’t block it.
GRANDMASTER: A player so strong, that he can draw all his games.
GRANDMASTER DRAW: A short game in which both players are afraid of each other.
GRECO GAMBIT: opening for wrestlers.
If-Move. A method of predicting the next move to shorten a postal chess game from 12 months to 11 months and 3 weeks.
HANGING PAWN: A pawn that committed suicide (could also be a poisoned pawn).
HELPMATE: Your spouse when you are sick in bed and can’t move.
ILLEGAL: a sick bird.
J’ADOUBE: French for “if I move this piece, I may lose the game.”
KIBITZER: A spectator that gives good advice to your opponent and bad advice to you.
KING’S INDIAN REVERSED: NAIDNI SGNI’K.
KNIGHT ENDING: dawn.
LOST GAME: Something your opponent had for the past 10 moves, before he won.
MAROCZY: A chess master who always got in a bind.
MAROCZY BIND: an unusual form of constipation.
MINORITY ATTACK: a civil rights revolt.
MORAL VICTORY: A term used to make the loser feel better after he got crushed.
OPEN FILE: A Word document that you are editing.
OVERPROTECTION: A term coined by Aron Nimzowitch about his relationship with his mother.
PIN: A sharp move.
RANK: A military term for enlisted men and officers. 1st rank could be a 2nd Lieutenant. 7th rank could be a general.
ROUND ROBIN: Fat bird.
SACRIFICE: Any piece that was left unprotected and taken for free.
SAM LOYD: An endgame composer always causing problems.
SANDBAGGER: Person who helps out during floods and hurricanes.
SELF-HELP MATE: a bigamist.
SIESTA VARIATION: taking a nap before noon.
SKITTLES: Fruit-favored candy.
STALEMATE: a spouse who keeps repeating the same old jokes.
SUDDEN DEATH: What happened to Paul Keres, Jose Capablanca, and Alexander Alekhine.
SWINDLE: The only way an opponent can be beaten.
SWISS-SYSTEM: A pairing system full of homes.
TIE: What you wear with a suit.
TRAP: Something you saw, but forgot about until you fell into it and lost.
THEORETICAL NOVELTY: A old, forgotten move that excites a master.
WON GAME: Any game you lost.
WOODPUSHER: lobbyist for the timber industry.
ZUGZWANG: German for "constipated." The term is used when it hurts to move.